A lovely christmas

These are precious days....... my little boy is still young and all toothless and bald, my father is healthy and remembers his days as a little boy, my mother is still black haired and lovely. The sun fills the family room upstairs and the smell of baking cake fills our home...........this christmas is indeed a lovely one, the little one's first...............
Only A is missing, He's still there in that cold foggy place designing robots....... but then he might be here soon and i guess he loves what he is doing

Thank you for A

good lord, thank you for A.for I know I am often not as thankful as I should be, but I realise how lucky I am to have him ! there are so many people struggling without a little one. Thank you for blessing us with him

Mother in laws

Mother in laws are demanding and unpleasant! wonder if it is the universal truth...........

arjun

Children are lovely, cant help but say this. They are a pain too, what with nappies and feeds and the constant attention required.
But when you get past all these you see the beauty in them, in the little feet and hands, the bald fuzzy head rubbing against my face, the curve of the nose that fits my lips perfectly.I think these are flesh memories, touches that I will remember for a long long time, hopefully forever....
He helps me relate to children everywhere, when I see a little foot sticking out of the blanket in a hospital, the naked boy begging............. cannot help but imagine what would happen when winter comes.. or when the medicine money runs out.........

Been a while

Its been a while. 29th day today since the little thing arrived. He's a sweet little thing. May be they all are :-) ....but he's mine :-) . Haven't spoken to amit in ages. Have been just too tired. 

thoughts

Is there anything at all that you can expect from life, can I expect to not be run over by a truck tomorrow, can I expect to have enough to eat tomorrow, can I expect to have more or less the same life as today, tomorrow.

The thing is the world can change upside down in a single day, when I wake up tomorrow if I wake up in my bed expecting the miracle of birth, is it short of a miracle in itself.....Yet quite often we look back at the roads not taken, roads that we believe would have led us to better todays, wistfully. 

Is it the age, the 30s when we look around and realize we might not achieve quite as much as we thought we would, a decade back.

Or is it just money, the having or not having of it. G was here, promising herself a day when she would not have to look at grocery price tags before carting them, hoping to marry away her 4 & 5 year olds to boys settled in the US and be free some time. Wondering what it would have been if she had chosen the less conventional way & the Hindu boy from college, now settled in the US.

I wonder once in a while too what it would have been if I had gone the more conventional way n married a boy from my more affluent community or the numerous white men from faraway (hopefully) developed nations who were very available. I am often not sure what my decision would have been had I taken it today

Was it the fear of unknown or the idealism of youth that led my way. Or do people have hidden deep within them the compass that leads them to what is best for them, to their destinies, even if they do not know it yet.
Will me and G have our days of peace n happiness n contentment.
Guess its too early to tell........

A fruitless day

Its been raining all day long.its amazing how soon you are full of things you have been desperately craving.I should remember and be thankful the hot dusty days in delhi.

Did not do much today, may be I should concentrate and finish off the things i have to asap.I do not have much time left.24th of this month I finish 8th month, n then the baby can come any time.its a lifetime event and I should free my head enough to enjoy it.
I think I am one of those strange people who need to make an effort to enjoy life n things, its as if I believe I do not deserve it.

This would also be my longest holiday at home since almost 20 years, 18 to be specific.probably the longest I would have..........for all times.its tough to be a women n traditionally believe you do not belong in your own home after marriage.these are places where you realise its easier to be a guy.
That's probably why I think I might side with the advantages of a single child.male or female you belong where you are born, and that's a great blessing

Rain makes all things right

Rain washes clean, makes all things new, shiny & bright.

A lovely rainy day

Its lovely rainy day back home.temperature between 18 and 30 degree Celsius.all world rainwashed and clean.somehow rain makes all things right.

A prayer

God, help us get through these difficult times,

I know they will not last, I know it is just a matter of time

I know it will make us stronger once we are through

But living through is just not easy.

Tougher yet is when you see a loved one suffering

Much more so when you are dealing with it yourself

Figuring there is not much you can do at this very minute to stop 

That you could at another point in time & space, but not just anymore

That all you can do is to sit & watch & wait for it to pass

to have faith & hope that all will be well soon 

rainbow in my balcony

There are good days and bad days......and then there are some really bad days when you are pregnant.today was one of those really bad days, really hot at 40 celscious.the house filled with still hot air and the terrace burning up in the sun.....it was a wonder the plants managed to survive at all!

We had had a rough day hauling up a used sofa we had picked up online.myt called the piece suboptimal....whatever that means.....and as I thought the piece was a steal at the price and worked hard at getting it I was pissed.

What's more we had just seen lovely places people lived in......lovely homes with huge green lawns & shady  tree lined pools....large pool houses with snooker tables in them....green well trimmed gardens that led to the large old fashioned homes.....living rooms that could easily fit more than half our place.the place could fit entire colonies of the underbelly of Delhi.......but the place was serene ....& empty!Just a family of four and their household help lived there....

I just knew life was unfair......after lugging the piece up to to our third floor apartment I had little faith left in anything at all :-) I wondered what we would do with the child on the
Way.......if it was fair to bring a child into the world when you did not even have your own pool :-)  i wondered if it would be okay...healthy......if it was twins that went undetected on the scan.......let's say I had lost it.....

And then it started....a mild shower.....growing into a reasonable downpour.....water dripping into the balcony, plants all shiny with water....smell of wet earth. and then a rainbow...the brightest I have seen ........right across the balcony.......and then it grew to a double rainbow.......almost got me wondering if it was a case of the undetected twins :-)

what are you today? :)

slowing down!

The body seems to be slowing down! did not feel it so far! guess its the 7th month working. The stomach hurts & physical incapacity annoys me.have always been able to do things physically more or less.cant really sit on a chair normally either...yes it is annoying.
Add to it familial controversies.Guess light at the end of the tunnel is the lighting product plan, lets hope it works out!

the tragedy of the sofa set

Okay today is indeed an unlucky day.I found this lovely sofa set second hand really cheap online for sale.Called dibs on it.the bloody woman sold it............I really did love it & had been picturing it in my mind in my living room all day....too bad for me.......... huh.I hope the bastard who bought it breaks it or something (okay that was mean but i am really unhappy) have been hounding second sofa sets online forever.Have not found any thing even close.How I wish people had better taste & sold better stuff....for cheap :D

Am wondering if I should spend all my fortune & enjoy some lovely furniture.The only thing is they are bloody expensive.How I wish I had bought something while I was working.

Maternity - the myth

There is something about being a woman which makes you feel helpless, I think it has more to do with maternity than anything else.Those months of immmobility & years of responsibility not shared by anybody else, am not sure if it is really worth it. No body is going to be thankful for it, atleast while I am still around.so about 4 years of my life is going to be wiped out, a time when I cannot really do anything for myself, crippled in every sense of the word!

Every passing day I am coming to the conclusion that it is really not worth it.The greatness of motherhood & the joys of it, am sure are stories to coax woman into doing it & generation after generation, being brought up on those stories.I think it is admirable that M's mom does not advise her to have one & she has chosen not to. If I have a girl I think i will not bring it up on the joys of having a child either & let it chose.And if she does choses to do it...well god help womankind..

down!

hmmmmmm.... lets see, a wee bit down! suddenly feel shaky about what I call the lighting project.

Of course that's what happens when you haven't worked upon it for a while.lets see will sit upon it today & may be something will work out

A season of partings

Myt says H his ex boss lost his wife, Jenny, a few weeks ago.She was very ill, a terminal cancer patient. The docs had given her a verdict  of 6 months more than a year ago.So.... well it wasn't   unexpected, but was a going away nevertheless.H also had lost his son from his first wife to an accident not more than a year ago.He was a young boy,probably just crossed his teens, It was a motor accident.It was a season of losses for H,The poor man is above 60.They say hes become very aloof
I never met Jenny, H's wife, but knew her enough from all the office talk.
But nevertheless it feels like a season of losses.Is it that a new life comming in is balanced out with news ofpartings?...or is it just that I am growing older

A quote

'I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... 
For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars............ And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined our street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper.............. And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird............. And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.'

Lester Burnham, American Beauty

A memorium

Life has a strange way of putting things in perspective. Kunal passed away.He was young, late 20s, a happy, fun guy.
He was there for my wedding, came all the way to from Bangalore, He was myt's neighbour , they lived with with their respective room mates in neighboring buildings.They went on trips & partied together, took salsa classes, looked for business opportunities.He was a cheerful guy,with an endless enthusiasm for all things new.
We got married & myt moved to Mumbai so we could be together. I did not meet Kunal again, Heard he was near Mumbai, he had comeback home to his parents. But by the time we had moved to Delhi, am not sure if myt met him again, I dont think so.
He was an only child, his father ran a manufacturing establishment in Mumbai. Back in Mumbai I believe he met his wife, while teaching salsa to his neighbourhood enthusiasts, she was probably one of them.He got married & left for Europe to study further.
We missed the wedding,but was glad he made it, married the girl he loved.We thought he was lucky,Not everybody could really get married to the girl of their dreams & go to school in europe, Most could not even if they were unmarried & had not the financial liabilities that came with it.Lucky guy....we said!

I cannot believe he is no more.........its one of those things that come out of the blue.One of those things that make you realise how fragile life is.That every single one of us right here with our families are exceptionally lucky to have our time.To be able to have a child, to hope to see it grow, to be able hug & see the smiles on loved ones faces.....To be there every second of our tiny lives

A lazy lump of a day

A lazy lump of a day, the promise of rain hung in the air early in the morning.now its just muggy & warm

Dancing in the rain

Dancing in the rain by Yasemin Kahraman

Is there anything in the world more beautiful than rain!
all the more when you exist in 40 degree celsius
they say it will rain tommorrow
I wish they stop predicting it
And the it just might

Work moves slowly

Work moves slowly, the growing in gathering momentum though.The spring onions seem to have caught on, Papaya is still dormant adding to the suspense,will it live or will it not.The melon seeds have sprouted, mint & spinach doing well. Hung the pots that were meant to be hung.temperatures rising, was 40 yesterday, same today I am sure if not more.work on the lights moving very slowly.lots to finish if things are to move.

there are days on which i feel blue

there are days on which i feel blue, today is one of those
knowing that for a week now I shall be by myself
i refused to even water my plants
thats a bad sign for sure

what is it worth?

The dream

Yesterday I saw the list of art exhibitions listed & wondered the Manikandan Punnackal listed there was the same old Manikandan I knew from school.He could have been....very easily.The guy was exhibiting murals, in the kerala mural tradition.the picture showed a woman smiling, on her back on a small wooden kayak.she lay in the background of thick water weed, the leaves curling into the kayak, almost touching her curly unbound hair.
The guy I knew was the son of my physics lab assistant, not really what you would call well placed, even in those days.but the son was extraordinary.He won every competition in the vicinity, school level, state level, national level all of it.I had to wait for the guy to pass out before I could win the coveted first position.
The father believed in his son, that he could work magic for all of them.so he asked around & found NID, the school of Design nobody in my school had even heard about.It was a difficult place to get into,with an annual intake of less than 100 people in a country of millions.he managed to get through. we the small time brush workers of the school were elated.looked like painting could actually get you somewhere.
years passed by, I tried the NID entrance & did not get through, settled for the lesser NIFT.Graduated, worked for a while & then got into NID for a post graduate degree.There I heard of the guy again.He did not do too well there, he chose a technical branch that did not suit him, he did not find the programme easy to get thru, probably never painted again.I never saw him again.
But the exhibition ad made me look him up today.
No it wasn't the same guy.It was a much younger chap, educated in mural painting.his work was beautiful.The guy I thought it was was in a corporate job somewhere in bangalore, married & father of one.The cover picture was that of the smiling family, set in a wood panelled urban Indian apartment background.He looked happy, He was living the middle class Indian dream.

T. D. Dasan, Std 6 B

A movie that makes you want to write about it is not often found, T.D. Dasan, Std 6 B, is one such film. Its a wonder how every character (more or less) of the movie is positive, no muscle men bullying the down trodden or crooked politicians & businessmen.

Seeped in positivity, the movie is shot in green, hilly and often rain drenched Palakkad, Kerala.The story centers around Dasan a young boy brought up by a strong & beautiful mother and a fanciful grandmother surrounded by folklore in rural Palakkad.

Dasan's angst as a boy growing up with an absent father & his efforts to find him along with the kindness of the empathetic respondent, a young girl in Bangalore who happen to receive the letters addressed to the father forms the crux of the story.

The green countryside, innocence of folklore & a sky full of rain clouds that often form the backdrop of the story reminds one of their own childhood. The motif of train, running through the movie reminds one of distances and possibilities at the same time. Once it was over it felt like a rain had just come and gone, leaving the day cool n pure, washed of the dust of mundane everyday life & the heart full of faith in the goodness of mankind.

Dalai Lama speak

Only if it was easier for those to survive in the world or for that matter the world more conducive to the manufacturing of those that it so desperately needs.

Kintsukuroi

 after all the value of anything is what you attribute to it!