Love

The beauty of unrequited love is that it is unrequited

Sid gone

A walk in the park and other walks

Went for a walk today. Found a strange lovely material that looks like construction waste. What lovely lights I could make with it!!!
Sometimes stories come to me even here, but they flutter away more elusive than ever. I often think of those rain washed mornings, in front of Mother Mary's cupola, the candles burning despite the wind, the warmth in the cold wetness, the warm candle light in the darkness of early morning. I clean it, clearing away wilted flowers and buds and stalks of grass, offered by the students to pass their exams may be, may by the walkers. And I stand there with my eyes closed my heart full of thankfulness. Sometimes my eyes are open to look at the mother and child, so full of peace. I can't think of a more tranquil time in my life. I was an offerer  too, I brought flowers and twigs and pretty leaves, but now I just take away. At times taking away is more or as important as bringing, only it takes a while for us to learn it

Stories rumbling inside of me

At times it feels like there are stories rumbling inside me. Rumbling to come out. Only they come out in snatches and are never put down.
Watched ramante adenthottam. A contemporary mallu Bridges of Madison county. haha. Hope no woman falls for it.ĺ

Aches and pains

Foot hurting. A tennis ball sized bump has appeared on it. Remember doc saying it's called a ganglion. Supposedly happen due to nerves getting all mixed up, whatever that means.
All of the foot aches though. May be cos I walk barefoot on tiles too much. It's interesting to note that while buying/ making tiles we look for beauty, strength , ease in laying it, almost everything but it's primary use, to walk on comfortably.

What logs do

Logs are more than just windows of imagination. They help follow trains of thought too. Specially if one needs healing of the mind.

A fractured mind

Today I went to the bookshop. There were seemingly nice books. But I just couldn't tell, coz I couldn't concentrate beyond a single paragraph. So I finally picked a ranjitlal book for 13 yr olds. Hoping I could read it thru.
And that's when I realised my mind is like a cracked lens. Too much boy  interruption.  Cannot really focus on anything any more. What I need to do is mend it. Make it work again. Not sure how. Google it is.

A scary thing in my pancreas

It's a scary thing you know, a cyst, a growth, a multi lobular whatever. Supposedly one such thing resides in my pancreas!
Have a ct scan hopefully on Monday. Kind of scared when I think of it. My boy is too young to live without me.

July 2017

So how do I deal with It? Believe in innocence unless proven guilty?

All the lives in this world

At times I surf by airbnb listings and wonder at all the different lives there are in this world........thanks to technology with a bit of money put away we can assume some of them ..

hotels/Unusual-Airbnbs-In-Europe-That-Are-Quirky-And-Cool

Am not sure what's up..my son is almost 4..but am still caught in the rut, the rut that started with the delivery. I know he will go away to school someday soon and I will be alone or at least sonless for a while, that he is small and cute still and won't be forever, that I should enjoy it while it lasts.

But at times I see the success that fb advertises and am filled with unhappiness. Many seemingly less talented people seem to be doing well. But then talent has not much to do with success! Is it possible that all the possibilities will just pass by and I will sit around. Or is it just time.. God knows...i should get safi to build what is necessary I think and hope things get better

The yellow butterfly

If I die tonight, in my sleep
Will my soul flutter
by the clear sunny door
a yellow butterfly
to be let out in the morning 

Will my little boy chase it
On his chubby feet
Reaching up, with his little hands
Upto the wings of gold
the sun streaming through

Will I gift him
One last moment of wonder to live by
and then flutter away
into the bright blue sky
the grass so green
the scented breeze

Or will those little hands
hold me back
The peal of laughter,
The scent of sleep
Keep me back from the blue blue sky

To do or to do

The only time I feel alive is when I do something creative....though it is a fact that I have not done enough in the recent times....have I only been alive for less
than 6 months in the past 6 years!!🤤..time to buck up I guess

Rekha or jaya Bacchan

Don't know why I looked her up..that too today when I have tonnes of things to finish....Rekha ...so beautiful at 62 or so.

And having gone thru mostly malicious and gossipy content I reached a conclusion....if I were to have the life of one of the two women I would pick Rekha's any day. So beautiful and strong..and having lived on her own terms..more or less. And the other! Reduced to the wife of a successful man... bitter even in pictures..its a pity how men reduce their women.  Rarely have I heard of a man who has stood behind his woman in her success....wonder how it works for Indra Nooyi

Like river fish

I live in a city, a city of dust storms and dry nettles. I live in a tiny apartment on the 5th floor. yet when I rains my heart soars. It almost feels like it is floating somewhere near my nose. the dark blue of the sky about to unleash water is the most beautiful of all colors. the rain scented air gives me a high nothing else can. I understand why now. we are a people of the water. of rivers and paddy fields and rains. it's that illustration, of the man rowing the boat with the woman,  rowing with all his might with the rain pouring down all around him in the darkness, in his attempt to find dryland that I realised it. we are a people of the water. not the adventure mongering type out to conquer the ocean. We are like the river fish. we belong there, body heart and soul.

Gavi, a forest to visit...

Gavi, such a lost in time place. A tiny village in the middle of 7 dams, big and small. Populated by tamils from ceylon repatriated by Indira Gandhi. Not a village 45 kilometres on one side and 150 on the other.....people who once built the dams and worked the cardamom plantations and factories now run the tourism facility. Their families still work the plantations, their kids study in the tiny LP School.

It's a scary place in a way...not coz of the wild animals. It's a place where the people    are moving out or wanting to. Our guide Palanisamy son lives in kochi. He wants to buy a place and settle down somewhere there. Palanisamy has built 4 out of the 7 dams here. The last about 15 years back. The wages were good he says, 9 rs a day. But then in 150 rs groceries for an entire month could be bought. Now even 2000 is not enough...

The place once had 5000 families ..now only 100. Palanisamys one of them...not for long probably, only till the son manages a housing loan and buy something in kochi.

Samys father came here from ceylon..he was born here in the jungle..grew up here..his son was born here too..Though he did go out to study. Samys has lived here his entire life. In a tiny village in the middle of the jungle....alongside the wild animals, the tigers and the elephants, the bears and the wild boars...it is his jungle in a way...

I doubt he will be happy in the city...exactly as I doubt his leaving will be good for gavi. The project 15 yrs old....in another 15 it all probably return to the jungle...the creepers will conquer the living quarters..the bus stops will be bulldozed by the elephants...and in a few years it will almost be like Samy never lived here at all.

But then change we all must.....for the better I hope